It sounds like your colleague might be dealing with a classic case of conflict avoidance. Now, don’t get me wrong—I don’t say that to be unkind. The truth is, we all have some degree of it. For some, it’s barely noticeable. For others, it runs the show.
We’re often taught that conflict is something to fear, something to dodge at all costs. That’s because many of us grew up seeing only one kind of conflict: the dysfunctional kind—the yelling, the cold shoulders, the slammed doors. No wonder people want to avoid it.
But here’s the thing: conflict, in its simplest form, is just a disagreement. That’s all. Two or more people see things differently. And believe it or not, that can actually be healthy—constructive, even. Some people were lucky enough to grow up in families where respectful disagreement was encouraged. If you’re one of them, you probably view conflict as a chance to learn or connect.
But not everyone had that experience.
Your colleague may have been raised in an environment where questioning authority wasn’t allowed, or came with unpleasant consequences. Or maybe they were taught that keeping the peace meant keeping quiet—no matter what. In that world, expressing disagreement doesn’t feel safe. It feels dangerous. And so, over time, they learned to avoid conflict altogether.
So what can you do?
Start by showing them that it’s okay to disagree with you. That it’s safe. That nothing bad will happen if they speak up. Be gentle about it. You’re not trying to change them overnight. Forcing someone out of their comfort zone rarely works. Instead, invite their perspective. Let them know you value it.
It may help to create low-stakes, one-on-one moments where they can practice expressing themselves without the pressure of an audience. Public confrontation—no matter how minor—can be terrifying for someone who’s conflict-averse.
Also, be mindful of how you handle disagreement in group settings. Model openness. Show that differing opinions are welcome—and that no one gets punished for speaking up. Ask for feedback. Listen carefully. And be willing to grow, too.
Because at the end of the day, the goal isn’t to turn your colleague into someone they’re not. It’s to create a space where honesty feels safe, and where healthy disagreement can be part of how you both thrive.
XoXo CoMo
